not looking good ..

Today, I’m irritated. I’m tired, burnt out and irritated. Yesterday was quiet and peaceful here, most of the noisemakers off playing the hero someplace else. Today, the noisemakers are here and currently setting up the pedestal that they will soon perch themselves on and shout “hail me, I’ve come to save you”.

Forget about the rest of us who’ve spent this week keeping the lights on. Forget the rest of us who worked overtime yesterday making sure the lights came back on for some desperate folks in a remote location. Forget the rest of us who are trying to wrap our arms around our completely out of control environment.

No, today the eyes will be on the pedestal.

In the off hours, I’m irritated too. I’m irritated that I never have time to do the extra things I want. I’m overwhelmed by expectations from myself and others. And I’m dissapointed by the expectations I have OF others.

I wish my house was closer to work, closer to trails, and closer to friends. I hate that every move I make has to involve a frustrating trip in the vehicle. I’m tired of struggling, just to keep up.  I walk into work every morning thinking “wasn’t I just here?”.

Some people spend their lives searching for what they want to do, how they want to live.  I know what those answers are for me, but I’ve put myself in a position where I can’t yet do what I want to do, and live how I want to live.  I’m in limbo.  Purgatory.

I’m starting to see the light at the end of my long, dark tunnel.  But sometimes, it flickers and fades.  Sometimes I think I’ll do this forever.  It scares me, makes me sad.  I have to remind myself that the only reason I’d ever do this forever is myself.  If I don’t follow out my plan, I’ve only got me to blame.

Its gray and rainy today.  And is supposed to stay that way till sometime next week.  Saturday will probably be 12 hours of wet.  Ah well .. that always makes the stories better .. heh ..